To “Anonymous, Looking for Help”
“Michael, I’m a pastor. I’ve been struggling with addiction in secret — something I’ve fought for years. I’ve prayed, fasted, begged for freedom. But it keeps circling back. I’m scared to tell anyone in my church. I’m afraid I’ll lose my job, my credibility — my calling. I’m just trying to hold it together, but it’s getting heavier.”
Anonymous,
You are not weak. You are not a fraud. You are not a lost cause.
You are a man — a called man, a loved man — but still a man. You preach grace to everyone else, but somewhere deep down you wonder if it still applies to you. That’s not hypocrisy. That’s pain.
You’re fighting a battle most people in your congregation wouldn’t survive. You lead while bleeding. Smile while drowning. And still, week after week, you carry their prayers like weights you were never meant to bear alone.
You’ve begged God for deliverance, and when it didn’t come the way you hoped, shame stepped in. That shame has a voice: “If they knew, you’d lose everything.” So you keep silent. You white-knuckle holiness. You study harder. You serve longer. And inside, you rot.
But let me say this as clearly as I can: covering your addiction to protect your ministry is the fastest way to lose both.
This — right here, right now — is your threshing floor. Not because you’re being punished, but because you’re being called. Not to resign. Not to implode. But to return. Return to truth. Return to mercy. Return to the God who anointed you knowing full well the weight you’d one day bring back to His feet.
He’s not surprised. He’s not disgusted. He’s not done with you.
Jesus didn’t die for spotless pulpits. He died for bleeding shepherds. And you, pastor, are not disqualified because you struggle. You are in danger only if you refuse to step into the light.
You’re right — confession might change things. You may lose a title. A paycheck. Some people may not understand. But your ministry isn’t your identity. Your calling didn’t start at a platform, and it won’t end there.
Talk to someone outside your system. A trusted pastor. A counselor. A recovery ministry that knows how to carry leaders like you. Your first confession doesn’t need to be public. It just needs to be real.
James 5:16 says, “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” You’ve prayed for a miracle. This may be it.
And hear me — your courage will not only restore your soul, it may open the door for healing in others who’ve been afraid to speak up. You are not the only pastor who fights this. You are just one of the few brave enough to ask for help.
You are not your addiction. You are not your shame. You are still His.
And you are not alone.
With fierce grace,
— Michael
Michael Vowell: Reflections on Grace, Love, and Leadership 